Ego-Trippin' Out on a Mountain in the Sun

The Challenge

In true campy Top Model fashion the teaching part of this weeks challenge had our darling would-be models stuck in Miss Jay's make-believe "Fashion Madhouse". Here the girls would have their first moment of useless humiliation disguised as a lesson in fashion. Let's call it the straight jacket strut. The girls had to "work it" as much as they could while wearing a straight jacket in the "Fashion Madhouse". The method to the madness (I do wish I could take credit for that) being that the girls would have to wear constricting outfits on the runway sometimes and the straight jacket was going to help them. Miss Jay then got to make fun of the girls, which he did less than normal which really put a wet blanket on the whole thing. He seemed to enjoy Saleisha and Janet the most and gave a not-so-much to Heather and Bianca.

The straight jacket exercise all seemed worth it when the ladies got to their challenge for the week. They did a runway show for Colleen Quen with ANTM friend Roy Campbell as the emcee. The prize was a gig strutting in the Colleen Quen spring collection debut in Paris! All the girls did really well but there were a few snags. Heather needs to walk her neck because girl is looking like an Addams Family member, Jenah had some serious trouble walking because she had a train in the front and the back of her dress and did a poor job in pulling it off and Bianca (also known as Biatch) needs to soften her gangsta face. The most ridiculous accusation was when poor Ebony accidentally walked into Sarah on the runway and Roy Campbell accused her of doing it on purpose. What kind of fool would Ebony be to actually try to Tonya Harding someone right on the runway while being judged? This was obviously an error. A further error, according to Biatcha (oops) was that Saleisha won again although Bianca was the clear winner from what she could see. Apparently what she could see in her imagination was different than what we, in reality, could see.

The Photo Shoot

Matthew Jordan Smith came out to shoot the cover-babies in a rock-climbing meets high fashion shot. Hair, make-up and wardrobe were all amazing on this one, who knew that rock-climbing in a gown could be made to look so easy! It was nice for a change to not have anyone freak out because they were afraid of heights; even if some did play it up after they had already been up there and fine for awhile (shame on you, Lisa!). Jenah got to be the resident expert in this one due to her two years rock-climbing experience. This made for some fabulous posing and lots of compliments from Mr. Jay. Victoria got kudos for being pretty but she got a lot of awkward glances when Jay asked her what she was thinking during the shoot. I don't think he was expecting, "I felt like I was a sea nymph on acid scaling a wall in the sunshine." Aren't you glad you asked, Jay? On the opposite end of the spectrum Kimberly, last week's bitch of the week runner-up, played it completely safe and had us all practically falling asleep. Heather did an amazing job and all the girls clapped and said they were proud of her. Time to wake up girls, Heather is some serious competition and is going to take you all down at some point. She was first model called last week don't forget. Just because she has mild autism doesn't mean she can't be absolutely stunning!

Un-Model Behaviour of the Week

Bianca sharpened her claws for Saleisha this week. I guess the bitch and the ego couldn't stand each other anymore. It all came to a head in the midst of an afternoon bedroom chat with all the ladies discussing how it would be easier for someone like Saleisha, who has all sorts of modeling experience, to do the challenges. Bianca and Kim kept asking her questions and then all of a sudden Saleisha was on the bed waving her finger in the air saying that she was probably going to win and people needed to use that as motivation. I heard the sound of fifty young girls gagging up their bedtime snack voluntarily after Bianca called 115 lb Saleisha "borderline plus-size". It wasn't the prettiest argument but it was definitely the pettiest. The girls spent the rest of the episode bitching about each other and I'm at the point where I don't care if they're good or not, one of their asses needs to go home. All the girls in the house were giggling through the yelling. I guess it's more tolerable to watch this kind of ridiculous bickering when there's no TV in the house.

Psycho of the Week

I had to upgrade Bitch of the Week especially for Bianca based solely on this quote: "I'mma creep 'em where it hurts. I don't have to fight you to hurt you. I could really hurt you in this competition; I have no problem doing it. I'll get real grimy. I'll start cutting up clothes...I could break these bitches down one by one..." I think the part I find the saddest is that there are a bunch of girls sitting somewhere in America who happen to be Biatch's friends. Something tells me that instead of being embarrassed by their friend's ranting and terror they are saying, "That's my girl!" and "You told that bitch!" I find that rather unsettling...

Ego Trip of the Week

Saleisha may want to be a little careful or she'll have more enemies than just Bianca in the house. Saleisha has been modeling since she was fifteen, "print/run/all of it" and she's not shy to let you know. She tells the camera that she is "not starting from scratch" and that because "some of these girls have never been on a photo shoot and [she has]" she has an advantage. This girl needs to watch more cycles of Top Model because she better realize where her mouth and talent is going to take her. If she's that good to begin with the judges won't see any improvement in her and Tyra likes to see what all her embarrassing lessons have taught the girls so she can prove that they have purpose other than ratings.

Nice Girl of the Week

Unfortunately no one was nice enough to earn the title this week and I'm not about to just hand it out.

Honourable Mentions

Surprisingly Beautiful Pic of the Week- This week the honour belongs to Victoria. Who knew that she would actually look like a Sea nymph on acid scaling a wall in the sun? Whatever it looked like, it was stunning.

Sneaky Susan Move of the Week- At the beginning of the show Bianca was giving Kim, her closest friend in the house, really bad tips on her runway walk. Nothing is sacred for this girl.

Panel

The initial judgment of the models efforts wasn't too bad. The best part of the whole judging was when Biatcha's picture came up and the judges were so under whelmed that no one spoke for about ten seconds. Her face was very hard and she looked angry. Bianca claims that Jay told her to focus on one emotion and she found anger easiest. RED ALERT! If anger is the easiest emotion for you to invoke you might have repressed anger issues. She will now probably get to play the part of broke-down beauty when Tyra comes to do her one-on-ones and then she can change and Tyra can go back to praying to Lady Oprah of Good Deeds and Miraculous Transformations.

Jenah was a true hit and every judge loved her sense of balance and grace on that wall, she really came out of the woodwork this week. Victoria managed to again snap at poor Twiggy and all the judges had a good laugh about it when the girls left the room. In the end it came down to Bianca and Kimberly. They felt that Bianca looked awkward and Tyra was the only one who liked her picture. Kimberly has a great editorial look in real life but the judges didn't feel that it was translating on camera. A TYRAnny was proven when Biatch got to stay while the bitch-in-training, Kimberly, had to pack her things and move out of the house. Well, at least one of the nasty models is gone.

My Weekly Picks

Who I think should win: Heather
Who I think will win: Lisa
Who I think is the next to go home: Ambreal

Conscious Cover Girls

The first real episode of Cycle 9 has Tyra switching focus from the t-zone to the ozone. A new eco-friendly yet super-pimped tour bus is the models new ride and the mansion this year is covered in leaves and possibly some recycled furniture. Wow Tyra! Way to save the environment; I guess something should be done on the show's end to offset the ridiculous amount of energy wasted on blowdryers and flat irons in the house. The greatest part of this new mansion (well, redesigned anyways) is a catwalk with a motion sensor screen; the models can practice their strut and watch it for themselves.

Tyra also aimed her mighty wagging finger at smokers. Not only was the photo shoot based around the negative effects of smoking (more on this later) but Tyra has also BANNED smoking in the mansion and on the show. A top model is also a role model and with so many young girls watching, Tyra says it's time to BUTT OUT! Come on, Tyra, we're onto you. It's not enough that these girls are trapped in a mansion, given 3-5 hours of sleep a night and are in constant competition with their roommates to be the prettiest and most charming. Let's also take away one of their vices and really up the bitchiness level for some great ratings! Something tells me that these top role models are still going to be allowed to get smashed off copious bottles of wine each night. That makes for some loose-lipped ladies to really spill the beans to the camera and will keep that drama level high.

The Photo Shoot

The girls do a glam shot smoking in front of a mirror and their reflection is a nasty smoked-out version of themselves portraying some side effect of smoking (everything from cancer to a tracheotomy). While the majority of the shots were great I'll only spend a bit of time on the highlights.

Mila, the "I'm so happy everything in my life is perfect" wondergirl, couldn't seem to stop laughing during her side effect shot. I don't know how many hearts she won over by how amusing she found the thought of losing her hair to chemotherapy. Probably not the best look, honey. She also ended up looking like Stiffler's Mom in her glam shot (and "looking like [she] just farted" as Miss Jay put it at panel) which was probably also not the best look.

Heather, the one with slight autism, was sentenced to a classic form of Top Model tackiness. Put the socially ackward one in the only duo shot because she's the best one for the job. Almost as great as making the newly confessed as bi-curious Michelle play Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi in Cycle 7. I complain, but these are the horrible little reasons that I love the show so much...

The Challenge

Miss Jay went to the house to give the ladies this weeks challenge. They were all going shopping to pick out their model basics for panel at, drumroll please, OLD NAVY! Watching as the models screamed and clapped in delight I had to wonder whether they had to reshoot this moment because if they were truly that excited for Old Navy they would have fainted if they got to go to Betsey Johnson or some other actually fashionable store. Apparently, Old Navy is where many supermodels get their model basics these days?

The girls had 15 minutes to grab the perfect panel outfit and the judges would pick this week's winner. One of my favourite Top Model guests, Benny Ninja, made it out to supervise and guide the ladies. Most of the girls went for the classic tank and jeans but a few decided to go against the grain. That poor Old Navy store looked like it had been under attack. We'd have to wait and see at panel who won and what the prize was.

Victim of the Week

The title definitely goes to Heather this week. Having a mild form of autism called Asperger's disorder as well as a side order of ADHD, this girl is really going to have to work hard. I can't help but like her. She has a beautiful and exotic Cleopatra type look and every once in awhile when she's frustrated she rolls her eyes back in her head and grunts like a monster. The other ladies are really giving her a hard time. They talk about her all the time behind her back (but not quietly as she always ends up hearing them) and are constantly expecting her to mess up. Kimberly, who I'm sure will get "Bitch of the Week" title at some time, announced that she will not speak much to Heather because she has decided that Heather will get "clingy" if she opens the door.

Bitch of the Week

Biannca gets this top honour. While her and Lisa both seem to be doing everything they can to piss each other off, Biannca's claws were sharper this week. She told Lisa that no exotic dancer would ever become America's Next Top Model (please, everyone knows that Tyra will be all over that shit...she loves showcasing transformed, young women!). Many little battles transpired the whole episode including one about which one of them would get hit in the head harder by the fake cell phone that came about in a Naomi Campbell joke gone wrong. The two ladies finally had a heart to heart and called a truce in the hot tub one night (isn't that how everyone settles their differences?). Later, Biannca would tell the cameras in her confessional that she only did it so that it wouldn't come up in panel. She'll probably stick around for awhile because she's borderline beautiful and the bitch factor makes for great TV.

Nice Girl of the Week

Victoria could be on Beauty and the Geek as the girl who has it all: brains and beauty. This Yale graduate is using her self-proclaimed "super-nerdy skills" to study to be a great top model. She hates catfights and is the only one who tries to be nice to Heather. We'll just see how long her halo stays on...

Honourable Mentions

Most Hood Honey- Lisa, the exotic dancer who's seen "every kind of hurt". She seems to have stepped right out of a movie...so what if it's Pretty Woman?

Most Transformed (aka Biggest Bullshitter)- Jenah, who has apparently decided to quit smoking because of the photo shoot. "The emotions you see in that camera are real" Oh please...you need a shovel to get through that.

Most Surprisingly Beautiful Pic- Sarah, watch out for this one. She kind of reminded me of Mila Kunis (Jackie from That 70's Show) in her pic.

Panel

I will start by saying that Miss Jay was having the most amazing hair day ever in a little mini afro with beautiful curl.

The judges picked Saleisha as the best dressed and she will now appear in an Old Navy ad. She also gets a $1000 shopping spree *gasp!*...at Old Navy *sigh*. That will probably take her five years to spend, how many $14 tanks do you have to buy to use that up?

Not too many scathing comments in this weeks judging although Victoria made a bad impression by saying the right thing in the wrong tone. Twiggy told her she needs to work on her charm and you know once Twiggy doesn't like you she'll never change her mind! I hope this doesn't hurt our brainy beauty.

Justice was awarded when Heather was called first to get her picture as the strongest model of the week. I'm surprised you couldn't see more shock on the other contestants faces, maybe they are better at faking the charm than I have given them credit for!

It all came down to Ebony and Mila. I'm sure there will be more tissue available at next panel so that we don't ever again have to watch a glistening stream of snot pour out of Ebony's nose as she cries awaiting her fate. Not the most modelesque thing I've seen. I can just imagine how hard it was for Tyra not to crack up laughing at the girl. She got to stay though and Mila aka Stiffler's Mom was sent home. Poor thing was shocked because she had blinded herself into thinking that she was going to win.

My Weekly Picks (watch how they change week to week because I'm fickle!)

Who I think should win: Lisa

Who I think will win: Lisa

Who I think is the next to go home: Jenah